I’ve really missed writing. I haven’t for a year and I have found myself keeping things inside. When what is going on is really intense emotionally, my body has started to physically react. I get tired, sore, and achy) I was going through a lot of grief this year. Grief about so many big and little things. I had some major changes- those were all very positive. I bought a house. I got a new job. I don’t live with my best friend/family anymore. I’ve grown.
Growing is hard. I have become more independent. I feel more confidence to do things on my own. That has meant letting go of my reliance on others for certain things. I used to have to talk things to death with everyone and gather opinions and advice. That’s exhausting. It wasn’t giving me enough space to decide things on my own, or take care of something by just teaching myself. Now I have to have the confidence to take care of my own house and step into a role as “Director” of something for work. Both of those areas of my life are successful
There are other areas of my life that are not as successful. I gained weight, I feel lazy, and I am extremely tired. I think those all work together. I still struggle with what to eat- I mostly hate eating. I hate reading labels, avoiding unsafe foods, feeling weird at gatherings, etc. But here’s the thing about having celiac disease….it’s really been hard on my addiction to sugar. Sugar is easy, candy is good, and sweet things are delicious. Math is not my strongest area, but those things together =30 extra pounds!! On a short girl!!
I know one reason why this is happening. EMPATHY. I struggle to think I need boundaries around helping people. I have worked on accepting that other people deal with their trauma in a way I wouldn’t. I spend hours worrying about if those close to me (and those not close to me) are going to be ok. My poor little Gigi has taken this on. When we are in the car, she starts crying and whining when we see homeless people. (I SWEAR I DIDN’T TEACH HER THAT!) She is very compassionate.
It’s my job to continue to grow (But dear God, make it stop in my belly and my chins!) It is all of our jobs. Being stagnant shuts off new experiences. It feels boring after a while. So while I feel gross in my body and sad in my mind, I am going to keep moving forward and being as awesome as possible. I don’t want to miss the good stuff.
As always….. Be Well